A Seal Cull is not Enough

Happy Namibians are currently busy culling pesky seals to ensure the health of their fish stocks.

Here in Canada, our wise, august, objective, and of course sober Senators have also been calling for a grey seal cull in the Gulf of Saint Lawrence in an attempt to help fish stocks return to, well, like they were before we started wiping them out.

The Department of Obsolete Industry is working hard to make the cull a reality. Not only will it cut the population of those sea-rats down by 70%, but the government will be freeing up more of your hard-earned tax dollars to disburse as bounty for seal harvesters, since (currently) there is no market for grey seal products. Well, actually there never has been a market... but we’re working on it!

We here at the DOI applaud the Senate of Canada for calling for this cull in the face of protest and accusations.

So-called marine “scientists” at “universities” such as “Dalhousie” are claiming that a seal cull can’t be expected to increase fish stocks. They say that something called an “ecosystem” is too complex to assume that killing one thing in it will have a predictable impact on another.

To which we respond: hooey!

In fact, we here at the DOI are calling for not just a reduction of grey seals, but their outright elimination. Considering the threat that seals pose to endangered fish such as cod, we believe that the most efficient way to save the fish is to eliminate the seals altogether. Well, ok, maybe we’ll keep a few to entertain children at the zoo. They are just too cute when they balance those balls on their noses!

And once we have eliminated the seals, we’ll work on eliminating the other species preying on cod until the only thing left dining on them is us!  That’s right folks, grab the ketchup!

Yes, thanks to the DOI, and the wise and objective research conducted by the Senate of Canada, we can rid the ocean of ALL marine predators and Canada’s oceans will be better than ever!