Seals Careers

The DOI wants you!

Are you a creative thinker who enjoys getting imaginative with facts and numbers?  Do you like playing fast and loose with market fundamentals? Does your future seem stuck in the past? 
 
If you answered ‘yes’ to those questions you could have a rewarding career with the DOI! The DOI is now hiring boatloads of new bureaucrats to promote our Seal Blubber Innovation Tax Credits! 
 
Job Descriptions
 
Master of Protocol (1 position)
 
Parliamentarians occasionally forget to toe the line when it comes to supporting the Commercial Seal Harvest. The Master of Protocol ensures that after each such breach, the MP or Senator in question publicly renounces their criticism and attends a retraining camp on government communications guidelines. Responsibilities include:
 
  • Tying sealskin bowties.
  • Preparation of seal flipper pie, paté, and salami slicing.
  • Liaising with the press to schedule public shaming spectacles.
 
 
Fact Enhancement Officers (3 positions)
 
The Fact Enhancement Officer is in charge of ensuring that MPs, Senators and public servants have the most enhanced information about the Commercial Seal Hunt. Responsibilities include:
 
  • Inflating numbers of seals actually harvested, people participating in the harvest, monetary value of the seal harvest, and the importance of the industry to the Atlantic provinces. 
  • Ensuring that the Inuit are mentioned whenever possible, even though the Commercial Seal Harvest has nothing to do with the Inuit.
  • Ensuring that all responses to access to information requests have been vigilantly “scrutinized” with a black chisel-tipped marker.
 
 
Blubber Labs Technicians (4 positions)
 
The DOI’s Blubber Labs have discovered a myriad of new uses for seal blubber, from interior paint, to fuel, to sandwich spread. And because we’re sheltered from the laws of supply and demand, we’re at liberty to simply keep experimenting with new products, whether or not they will ever sell! Responsibilities include:
 
  • Mixing different coloured liquids in beakers.
  • Wearing lab coats and goggles when posing for government promotional campaigns requiring scientists.
  • Discovering strange and fantastic uses for seal blubber.
 
 
Apply today to become a member of the DOI team and help Bring Canada Back to the Blubber.