News

  • January 27, 2014

    The Seal Hunt is an Obsolete Industry, and It’s Time We Ended It

    Did the Department of Obsolete Industry stir a nostalgia for the fragrant smell of burning blubber? Were you hoping to be hired as a “fact enhancement officer” to help inflate the importance of the commercial seal hunt to the Canadian economy?

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  • August 9, 2013

    A Seal Cull is not Enough

    Happy Namibians are currently busy culling pesky seals to ensure the health of their fish stocks. Here in Canada, our wise, august, objective, and of course sober Senators have also been calling for a grey seal cull in the Gulf of Saint Lawrence in an attempt to help fish stocks return to, well, like they were before we started wiping them out.

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  • June 6, 2013

    The Department of Obsolete Industry Training Note #6: Proper Use of a Chisel-Tipped Marker

    FOR INTERNAL USE ONLY Dear new staffer, I’d like to extend a hearty welcome to the Department of Obsolete Industry! Here at the DOI, we are a very well-oiled machine (and that oil comes from seal blubber, of course) always working hard to ensure that struggling industries have plenty of help from the Canadian taxpayer. However, there are all sorts of forces working against this noble aim. Chief among them: RADICAL VEGETARIANS. Oh, and journalists too, they run a close second.

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  • May 14, 2013

    Is the Department of obsolete industry becoming…obsolete?

    The Department of Obsolete Industry has been working diligently to inform Canadians about the dire state of the Commercial Seal Harvest—and about our department’s initiatives to spend even more tax dollars to keep the Seal Harvest afloat.

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  • April 12, 2013

    INTERNAL MEMO

    Dear Department of Obsolete Industry Staff, As you may have heard (literally), the DOI has joined the larger government in spending massive quantities of tax dollars on advertising—we’re on the radio! In recent years, Canadians seem to have been losing their appetite for the national seal harvest, so we’ve contracted one of the most prestigious international advertising firms to craft a new campaign. We’re basically blaming seals for pretty much everything.

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  • March 28, 2013

    The DOI is now hiring

    As you probably know, the Commercial Seal Harvest is under attack from a fringe group of radical vegetarians. They won’t stop their assault on Canadian values until we   eat nothing but carrots. But you can help stop them by joining the ranks of the Department of Obsolete Industry! That’s right, we’re hiring.

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  • March 26, 2013

    The Minister's Seal Fashion Memo

    MEMORANDUM TO: All Members of Parliament and their staff FROM: The Department of Obsolete Industry RE: Mandatory Seal Garment Program Hello there! Spring has sprung, and what better way to demonstrate your fidelity to seal fur than, well, wearing it!

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  • March 19, 2013

    DOI Memo: countering the seal huggers during harvest season

    From: Minister Mustardson Date: March 14, 2013 2:23:34 AM EDT To: All DOI staff Subject: The Seal Harvest is Starting Up! Yippee! Hi there, Wayne Mustardson here, your fearless Minister.

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  • March 8, 2013

    Bring Canada Back to the Blubber

    Hi there, I’m Wayne Mustardson, Minister of Obsolete Industry. I’m really excited to be introducing a brand new—and extremely costly—initiative from the Department of Obsolete Industry: Seal Blubber Innovation Tax Credits. 

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