FOR INTERNAL USE ONLY
Dear new staffer,
I’d like to extend a hearty welcome to the Department of Obsolete Industry! Here at the DOI, we are a very well-oiled machine (and that oil comes from seal blubber, of course) always working hard to ensure that struggling industries have plenty of help from the Canadian taxpayer.
However, there are all sorts of forces working against this noble aim. Chief among them: RADICAL VEGETARIANS. Oh, and journalists too, they run a close second.
One of the principal weapons that these community-gardening pinkos and their ink-stained brethren use in their war against Canada’s blubber-soaked traditions is the “access to information request.” They often make such requests, attempting to gain access to internal documents in an attempt to tarnish the good name of the Department of Obsolete Industry, the government in general, and of course the tens, nay hundreds, of seal harvesters.
As a functionary in the Department of Obsolete Industry, you will be routinely confronted with access to information requests. Often some scumbag hippy is trying to determine just how many seals were harvested in a given year, or how much money the DOI has been spending to support this essential industry. No matter how innocuous the actual request may seem, rest assured that these deceitful carrot munchers will use any means at their disposal to sink the seal harvest once and for all.
So, the DOI has developed a very simple standard operating procedure for handling these information requests:
Step 1: uncap your trusty chisel-tip marker
Step 2: take a small whiff (not too deep!) of the marker, enjoying the aroma
Step 3: redact, redact, redact. Be sure to black out the entire document, in case there is anything these enemies of the state could use against our noble cause.
And there you have it, a very simple way to ensure that the DOI can continue serving the Canadian people in an honest, accountable fashion.
Keep up the good work!
Wayne Mustardson, M. GS, AAA
Minister of Obsolete Industry
January 28, 2014
August 9, 2013
June 6, 2013
May 14, 2013
April 12, 2013