As you probably know, the Commercial Seal Harvest is under attack from a fringe group of radical vegetarians. They won’t stop their assault on Canadian values until we eat nothing but carrots.
But you can help stop them by joining the ranks of the Department of Obsolete Industry! That’s right, we’re hiring.
Working at the DOI is an absolute treat. Every day, our team of Fact Enhancement Officers works diligently to provide Canada’s MPs and Senators with the most enhanced information available on the Commercial Seal Harvest. As a Fact Enhancement Officer, you will ensure that Parliamentarians don’t come out and say how many people are actually hunting seals—just less than 800 individuals—but instead quote the number of seal hunting licenses—which is a whopping 14,000! Consider that fact enhanced!
If getting creative with information isn’t quite your thing, how about a little chemistry? We’re looking for new Blubber Labs Technicians, and if you look good in a lab coat, you may be right for the job. Because when you’re not figuring out how to turn blubber into an industrial sealant (pardon the pun), you’ll be doing photo-ops with government ministers who want to demonstrate their support for science and technology.
Finally, we’re looking for one special person to keep those MPs and Senators on the up and up. As Master of Protocol, you would be in charge of publicly shaming Parliamentarians who hesitate—even slightly—in their support of the Commercial Seal Harvest. To qualify for the position, knowledge of how to cook seal seven ways is a must, as is where to source seal skin garments on a moment’s notice (hint: Minister Mustardson has a few to spare).
So if you’re looking for a new career, consider applying for a position at the Department of Obsolete Industry. By supporting the Commercial Seal Harvest, you’ll be helping us keep Canada’s future firmly stuck in the past. And who wouldn’t want to be a part of that?
-- MP WM
January 27, 2014
August 9, 2013
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April 12, 2013