Bringing Canada Back to the Blubber
The brilliant minds of the 18th century transformed seal blubber into oil, lighting homes and fuelling the industrial age. When upstart technologies like electricity nearly killed demand for blubber, the Department of Obsolete Industry stepped in to bring the commercial seal harvest back from the brink.
Today this venerable Canadian institution is once again at risk of becoming obsolete. That’s why The Department of Obsolete Industry is committed to spending millions of Canadian tax dollars to revitalize the commercial seal harvest and rekindle the timeless love Canadian families feel for their greasy past. The new Seal Blubber Innovation Tax Credits recapture the spirit – and funky smell – of the 1700s.
Looking for an eco-friendly way to get around? Forget electric cars—they’re so 2011—and make the switch to Blubber-Diesel™! Apply today to convert your car’s engine to run on high octane seal fat. Depending on the make and model, your car could have fuel efficiency of up to 20 seals per mile! And the whole neighbourhood will know from the smell of your tailpipe that you proudly support the commercial seal harvest.
*Includes two free odour-eliminating personal respirators.
Seal Blubber Interior Paint
Oozing with Canadiana, seal blubber-based interior paints will make even your most trendsetting neighbours jealous. High levels of mercury in the seal fat give this paint a natural lustre. And your cats will simply love the taste.
*Currently available in grey, taupe, and slate.
**Not safe for animal ingestion.
Seal Blubber Lamp Retrofitting
In the good old days of the 19th century, the warm glow and acrid aroma of seal blubber lamps made every home warm and cozy. Why harness wind, sun, or water when we can harvest energy from dead marine mammals? By retrofitting your home with seal blubber lamps, you can help make Canada an energy-independent nation and rekindle the glory days of Canadian pioneering.
*While seal supplies last.